It’s the end of the year again!<\/p>\n
2018 is an exceptionally trying year. <\/p>\n
1) we have a baby .. duh..<\/p>\n
Meghan changed my life (for the worst). I have never been so exhausted, worried, guilty, depressed, resentful … ( insert all negative words you can think of) <\/p>\n
I gave her life and lost a HUGE part of me. There’s nothing worth being happy about. I can’t look at our creation and think that she is the best thing that had happened to us. Parenthood is so tough. <\/p>\n
I spent days, weeks, months being upset and judgemental to myself and didn’t enjoy the moments. I let my negativity get the better of me and missed her as a little baby. She almost 1 now… people say it gets easier? I doubt. It could be a timebomb waiting to explode.<\/p>\n
2) Beacuse of #1, I think our marriage is strained.<\/p>\n
Well, we don’t talk about us anymore. Bing works alot and with his free time..he would rather be playing games on his phone. No matter how I tell him off, he just won’t stop.<\/p>\n
I guess its a hard habit to kick in this modern world. At least, I have Meghan’s attention all the time.<\/p>\n
3) I miss eating everything I like.<\/p>\n
Meghan have allergies. We have no known allergies! It was really hard to change my diet and eliminate the allergens.<\/p>\n
Nope… all my sacrifice did not help. Guilt and self blame over every tiny rash on her body kills me as it could be linked to something i ate. My heart broke each time she scratches till she bleeds. On some days the itch affects her sleep. I had no choice but to put medication on her – I weeped when she’s slower than her peers “must be the medication!” Its my fault since i choose to feed her the best – breastmilk. I persevered and she is almost 1. While I am looking forward to getting out of “food jail”, I feel selfish .. Her allergies and eczema is going to stay with her. <\/p>\n
4) what about another child?<\/p>\n
I thought about it. Sometimes i feel that i want another child so that i can prove myself wrong – maybe the next baby will not have allergies. The pessimist in me also say “no allergies but maybe other problems?” <\/p>\n
On the other hand, It would be nice for Meghan to grow up with a sibling. At least, they have each other when we are gone. <\/p>\n
Another child also means no more sleep and i will be 100X more tired than now.<\/p>\n
If only i could tell the future…<\/p>\n
____
\nI think these sums up my horrible 2018. I hope I will be able to find myself next year (Fat hope..i know).<\/p>\n
Still…Wish me luck!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
It’s the end of the year again! 2018 is an exceptionally trying year. 1) we have a baby .. duh.. Meghan changed my life (for the worst). I have never been so exhausted, worried, guilty, depressed, resentful … ( insert all negative words you can think of) I gave her life and lost a HUGE … <\/p>\n