It’s the end of the year again!
2018 is an exceptionally trying year.
1) we have a baby .. duh..
Meghan changed my life (for the worst). I have never been so exhausted, worried, guilty, depressed, resentful … ( insert all negative words you can think of)
I gave her life and lost a HUGE part of me. There’s nothing worth being happy about. I can’t look at our creation and think that she is the best thing that had happened to us. Parenthood is so tough.
I spent days, weeks, months being upset and judgemental to myself and didn’t enjoy the moments. I let my negativity get the better of me and missed her as a little baby. She almost 1 now… people say it gets easier? I doubt. It could be a timebomb waiting to explode.
2) Beacuse of #1, I think our marriage is strained.
Well, we don’t talk about us anymore. Bing works alot and with his free time..he would rather be playing games on his phone. No matter how I tell him off, he just won’t stop.
I guess its a hard habit to kick in this modern world. At least, I have Meghan’s attention all the time.
3) I miss eating everything I like.
Meghan have allergies. We have no known allergies! It was really hard to change my diet and eliminate the allergens.
Nope… all my sacrifice did not help. Guilt and self blame over every tiny rash on her body kills me as it could be linked to something i ate. My heart broke each time she scratches till she bleeds. On some days the itch affects her sleep. I had no choice but to put medication on her – I weeped when she’s slower than her peers “must be the medication!” Its my fault since i choose to feed her the best – breastmilk. I persevered and she is almost 1. While I am looking forward to getting out of “food jail”, I feel selfish .. Her allergies and eczema is going to stay with her.
4) what about another child?
I thought about it. Sometimes i feel that i want another child so that i can prove myself wrong – maybe the next baby will not have allergies. The pessimist in me also say “no allergies but maybe other problems?”
On the other hand, It would be nice for Meghan to grow up with a sibling. At least, they have each other when we are gone.
Another child also means no more sleep and i will be 100X more tired than now.
If only i could tell the future…
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I think these sums up my horrible 2018. I hope I will be able to find myself next year (Fat hope..i know).
Still…Wish me luck!