Meghan is 4

Poof! Meghan is 4! Just like that!

Motherhood is never easy. You don’t ever stop worrying. They say “Prevention is better than cure” I say ” Prevention makes you go crazy” Living during these pandemic times, with Meghan still too young to get vaccinated makes me anxious. I have no idea how others do it but I struggle every day.. worried about my family’s health and safety.

My heart aches when Meghan ask me when can she go to Disneyland or Hawaii or sometimes “Can I have a brother/sister?” Oh.. Meghan we want so much for you but it’s not as easy as you think. I hope things get better or be normal soon so that we can enjoy fun activities without being worried about taking COVID tests or catching any kind of viruses.

About a month before 4, you suddenly caught up with potty training. You acknowledge when you are urgent and could go potty all by yourself. On most nights, you kept your pull-up dry and could go pee at night. You are still working on pooping on the potty. We are proud of what a big girl you had become.

These days you aspire to be an astronaut. And you love to play pretent going to space (which I love). You are also very aware and sensitive to my feelings and help to calm me down, just like how I calm you down.

On the other hand, you can be quite strong-willed but will cooperate with us after much coaxing. The nights are indeed long but the years are short. (Haha I may have changed the quote but it sure feels like that for me)

Happy birthday dear girl! May all your dreams and aspirations come true! Remember everything we do, we do it for you…

Bye 2021

We ended another year of pandemic.

This year is a little better than the last. At least we are able to get vaccinated for Covid. Getting vaccinated doesn’t mean you are invincible but just not getting severely ill. Then, when i think that things are looking up.. the variants come to play! Sigh.. it doesn’t get better does it?

Still, for sanity.. we sent Meghan back to a new daycare. She loves school but it was a rough start in the sense that she had to follow rules and get used to mandarin. I think our efforts paid off.. she finally got used to bilingualism and is speaking mandarin! Pretty proud of her as she wasn’t speaking mandarin at all – now she’s reciting chinese poems and singing songs!

This year.. we find more signs of Ringo getting old and slowing down a little. He eats, barks but.. we found a “blood blister” on his body. Vet recommended autopsy and we plan on doing that next year with his teeth cleaning. Ringo is such a sweet boy and we just hope that he is healthy.

For us, Bing and I have been toying with moving.. we will see how this goes next year.

Ahh…best part of 2021.. Meghan is no longer allergic to eggs!!! Nothing.. is more important than this! Not allergic to eggs doesn’t mean that her eczema ia cured but.. at least we know she doesn’t have a immediate reaction to eggs which needs medical attention asap.

Let’s hope that 2022 will be even better for all.. especially Meghan!

Meghan is 3

Today did not turned out to be what I thought it would be. Meghan woke up early and excited that it’s her birthday. Well, that’s understandable. I wasn’t upset with her for being excited that it’s her special day. The weather was beautiful – cold but sunny with blue skies. I was going to make her day special by maybe going to the playground or taking a walk outside. Nope. It didn’t happen. She was very demanding today. She wanted to have snacks after snacks during her virtual class ( she did not finish the snacks she asked for!) and also wanted to do a science experiment ( which we did). The worst thing was.. she refused to use the potty. The usual reward didn’t work! That was a spoiler for the day. She literally just ruined her own day. I am tired and frustrated.

Life is so much easier and carefree without a child. More time, less pressure, less stress. Why do people want kids again?

Fortunately, I penned the following down yesterday- it was a nicer blog post. To a better tomorrow.

“Is it my birthday yet?” “Is the bakerman baking my cake?” You asked. You have been waiting for this day for a long time. You are so excited to celebrate your birthday!

“What do you want to do on your birthday?” I asked, feeling so ready to plan a full day of activities for her. “Just play with my birthday toys!” She exclaimed. Ahh… our Meghan is simple like that.

It’s been a ride. The last year haven’t been fair to you. Due to the pandemic, we pulled you out of school and stayed home most of the time. I spent my days struggling to deal with everything and feeling guilty everyday. If only, I allowed you to play a little longer with your friends at school – who knows it was the last time you were seeing them.

I must have done something right? In the past year, you had grown to be such a kind, brilliant and sweet girl! When we feel frustrated about your potty accidents, you assured us that “Accidents happens and it’s ok. We learn from it.” You love your baby Abbey/Abigail so much! It just makes me think that you will be such a wonderful big sister – too bad I don’t have the strength and energy to have another child.

You are not the prettiest, cutest or smartest but you have an awesome personality. I wished more people will know how awesome you are! Your awesomeness also comes with Tesla Supercharge – lasting the whole day without naps!

I hope this year will be your best year yet!
Happy birthday our dear girl!

2020 is over!

Tough year! Who would have thought that we would be in a pandemic for the most part of the year.

The year started bright and cheerful. My mum was here to help me for the first week of 2020. All was good. Meghan was happy in school. My boss was okay with me working part time. I was happy to finally get some rest and ‘me’ time since Meghan was in full-time school. Then, one fine day.. COVID-19 happened and changed all my plans.

I clearly remember the week when the number of kids in daycare were greatly reduced. I was scared too. I pulled Meghan out of school. I really do not know if it was harder for me or for her. The mom guilt lingers. I really just wanted her to be safe and our family to be healthy. Poor girl, she asked about her friends and teachers. I told her that there is a virus – she seemed to understand. Still, it breaks my heart when she tells me ” Mama I am sad because I am alone. ” If I knew that day was the last time she was going to be in school for a while, I would have just let her play in the playground for a little longer…I am sorry, Meghan. The 2nd year of your life is ruined by a pandemic.

2020 was a lot of pressure, stress and anxiety. I struggled everyday. I wonder how other women do it. Nobody seem to talk about how they struggle. They continue to have kids, work blah blah and here’s me… wondering how can I escape from all of these. I am so ‘weak’ compared to other women.

I hope 2021 will be better. It got to be. This can’t be forever right?

Meghan is 2!

I am feeling a little emotional as i type this post!

The days really fly by but the nights are LOOOOooNg!

When she’s a baby, i can’t wait for her to grow up. It was so hard to take care of a baby. I was worried all the time. I still worry about her but in the past year she grew up to be such a kind, helpful and sweet little girl. Aww… my heart is bursting with love thinking about her innocent soul.

This year, she turns 2! All I wish for her is to be healthy, happy and kind.

Happy birthday my princess! It took me so long to bond with you but I will always love you 🙂

we survived 2019!

Woohoo! Another year had gone by just like that!

Many times this year I felt that time was crawling.. but to look back.. where have all the time gone?
2019 started out pretty rocky. I remember falling ill a number of times. Oh.. the tiredness and the anxiety of taking care of a toddler!
Motherhood is tough. I find it so hard to find a good balance with my own personal time, work and being a mum.

To think about it now, 2019 is a good year.
I was resentful and upset about Meghan. I was anxious about her allergies and eczema. Things did get better.
We received help from family in Singapore, many miles away. I hate to get help because it makes me feel weak. The help we received helped me to free up some time to bond with Meghan. It makes me want to be with her more.

2019 is also the year that Meghan achieved many milestones:
1) she took her first steps
2) said her first 4 syllabus word ‘Alligator’
3) formed her first sentence ‘Mama read Meghan storybook’
4) tell us/ demand what she wants
5) gained independence – she love school!
6) tell us about her day in school

It is amazing how 1 year makes a huge difference in a child’s life. Ahh.. my sweet sweet child. We love you so much and yet afraid that you are going to be so spoilt.

AND of course, our loyal and faithful Ringo who is always hungry – he is tolerant towards Meghan and we are thankful for that!

We also traveled to Singapore in 2019 – an epic trip BUT worthwhile. We all came back with BAD jet lag. Meghan’s skin suffered in the heat. However, Meghan grew so much during/after the trip. She enjoyed Char Siew, Chicken rice, Roti Prata … and was extremely happy to know that she’s got cousins to play with! Maybe we will be back again in 2020? We’ll see…

2020 – I wish that our family will remain healthy and happy. Meghan will grow up well, learn more and be kind. Ringo to be a less greedy dog. Bing to use his phone/computer less. As for me? I hope to survive again.. Deep in me, i really want to have a real full-time job BUT i know that’s will take a whole lot out of me. Maybe, I can be a stand up comedian instead? haha 😀

Happy New Year!


Today, I am offically in my mid-thirties! Wow!

I guess I can say I did nearly everything I wanted to do.

The past year had been very hard. Having a kid turns your life upside down. I have no idea how do people have more than 1 child.

Food elimination for breastfeeding was the biggest challenge for me. You know what.. i did it for 1 year! I think I would have continued if i didn’t catch the very bad cold and had to take medication. I guess getting sick after 1 year of breastfeeding is God’s way of telling me that what i did was enough. I felt guilty to stop but happy that i can eat everything i want.

Just when i thought i could start eating everything i want, i got ill again and again. Taking care of a kid when you are not 100% is hard. Many times, I hate my life so much and wished that i could just die!

I hope that this year things will take a good turn. At least, people won’t ask me if we are planning to have kids. See… we have Meghan. I am suffering.. you happy now?!

Meghan isn’t feeling too well. She had a slight cough and a little running nose. Super cranky. Like all things… i hope this will pass!

Just the beginning

If you think birth and labor is hard, try taking care of a new born.

Since the first week, Meghan does not have good skin. Instagram seem to have a nice way of covering skin flaws. I thought it would go away within weeks but it only got worst. First, it was ‘cradle cap’ – her scalp is flaky and dry. Then came the rashes on her body, which doctor diagnosed it as eczema. I was devastated. Why does only my baby have this issue? What did I do wrong or didn’t do? There’s no such thing as flawless baby skin for my baby. I was beyond upset and embarrassed to bring my baby out.

According to the doctor, eczema could be genetic or due to food allergy. We both do not have eczema, maybe its food allergy since Meghan is taking breast milk.

There are many allergens to eliminate. This makes eating very difficult and troublesome. I wanted to feed Meghan the best – breastmilk but I harmed her instead. You have no idea how much tears I wept. I looked at her innocent face as rashes spread through her small body. My heart breaks. As she grows and when she knows how to scratch, that’s when these rashes will get worst. I have to keep them under control.

It’s been 2 weeks with my new diet. We have been using cream on her. The rashes are still there. Yes, it did get a little better, just a little but it’s mostly still there. Cradle cap situation also makes her skin peels and just simply look bad.

With breast feeding, you need the extra calories for milk. Changing of diet just changes the dynamics of my breast milk and even hurt my supply. What am I going to do with the breastmilk I painstakingly froze before I go with this new diet?

I feel so angry and resentful – mostly with Bing’s family. If we didn’t have Meghan we will not have this issue. We are now stuck with her and her skin problems. Who knows what else we will face?

Next step, to see an allergist and the dermatologist.

I am feeling so hopeless and wish that nothing like this ever happened.

Hi Baby

Motherhood is tough. Its only 2.5 weeks and I am counting down to the days baby leaves for college.

Here I am sitting in the nursery with Ringo by my feet, enjoying the quiet, peaceful moments before my baby wakes up from her short 2 hours or if i am lucky, 3 hours nap.

I wonder how am i going to get through the rest of the months, especially since my family will be miles away. Bing will be at work and i will likely be by myself. This makes me very anxious. Should i just quit my job?

January 22, 2018 is the day that made us parents. I experienced cramps around midnight and have bloody discharge – as though i was having my period. I ignored it and went to sleep, afterall, it was a week before the estimated due date. First baby usually comes late right?

I woke up in the morning and felt that the cramps did get alittle more intense. I panicked and quickly packed the hospital bag. I also finally cut off the tags on baby’s clothes and did the laundry. Very last minute i know. Nope, the cramps did not go away.

I told Bing about it and he decided to work from home that day. Pretty glad that he did – though i could tell that he was kinda annoyed, like it’s a bad timing. For the rest of the morning, I tried as much as possible to not think about the cramps. I did wall sits, called to confirm the cloth diaper service & made ‘padsicles’ for post partum use.

After lunch, I am still experiencing cramps. I figured since i can still talk and think, it is probably not time yet. Bing decided that we should start timing the cramps or i figured, the contractions.

The gyne office closes at 5pm. At about 3pm, Bing called the office and my doctor was able to see me right away. We just live 5 mins away from the hospital. So, we grabbed the bags and off we went.

The doctor checked me for dilation. I cried tears of relief when she told me i was 6cm, almost 7cm dilated! Gosh! I was stronger than i think i am. We checked in immediately. I can still walk, talk and was confident that I can do this.

The hospital room was big and it seem pretty quiet on a monday. I was relaxed. I remember changing into the hospital gown and watching Bachelor on TV. The doctor on call (Dr Hyde) came in to break my water bag. It was then when the contractions intensified. I practised my yoga breathing techniques (i think i sounded like a dog) and it did kind of help. However, I still asked for the epidural. I know i needed the strength and rest before the big push. I was shivering and feeling hungry (my last meal was 12.30pm!!).

The anesthesiologist came in promptly and i got the epidural. It was a HUGE relief. I got to 10cm dilated in about 3 hours. The doctor came to check on me and confirmed that it was time. I am scared. I prayed to God that it will be fast as I was so hungry – I am not sure if I can push for 2-3 hours.

At 10.30pm, we started pushing. I tried my best, listened to labor nurse’s cues. After about 2 huge pushes, she told me she see the baby’s head and she’s got hair. She wasted no time and called the doctor in. I know baby is coming! Dr Hyde came in within minutes and we started pushing with each contraction. He told me to reach down and touch my baby’s head. I hesitated as i found it disgusting but did it anyway. The feeling was amazing (silmy and bloody)! After about 2 more huge pushes, baby is out at 10.43pm! She let out a loud cry then proceeded to poop for the very first time! Phew! I was famished and thirsty. Glad it was over! Bing had the honor of cutting the umbilical cord.

I checked baby all over while doc is stitching me up. (2nd degree tear) I could see what he is doing on the reflection of his glasses but distracted myself and inspected my ‘product’ – Making sure baby have all 10 toes and fingers.

It was a tiring night but the start of a new adventure for us.

When things get hard, I will always remember the time when i reached down and touch her tiny, hairy, silmy head. God’s beautiful gift to us!

The nights are long but the days are short. How true….

Big changes in 2018

I took a last look at my favorite dress and stored it away… “Maybe I can fit into it again..”

I gave away some of my clothes as I do not think I can wear them anymore.

I teared when i see my new weight on the scale. How am I going to lose all this weight?

I cried quietly as I realised that I might be doing all my favorite things for the last time.

Things will never be the same again.

May 26, 2017 was the day I found out that I was pregnant. It was a few days before my flight to SG for a short vacation.
I had mixed feelings… and didn’t know what to expect. Bing was surprised too.. his reaction was “So fast???” and awkwardly gave me a hug.

My first instinct was my in-laws got their wish.. they must be so happy that i will be suffering and going through this pain alone. What if the baby is not perfect? What if there’s something wrong? What if they are upset about the gender? Me, as the mother, will be bearing all the responsibilities. Everybody will fault me. Well, I still feel this way.

I tried to hide my condition for as long as I can. I didn’t really want anyone to know… It’s weird when people congratulate me… Congratulate me for the future sleepless nights? for sore nipples? for having to deal with a fussy and whiny kid?

On the other hand, Bing is always busy. It’s just hard to get him to go to doctor’s appointments with me. He tries to come along but I feel that he’s 1/2 hearted. I still cook and do the groceries – he is too engrossed with his work to help. On most days, I felt that I am not getting the support and love I need. It’s like he couldn’t care less that it’s the last few months/weeks/days that it will be ‘us’.

The day is drawing near.. I am not looking forward and dreading the day… I know it’s gonna be difficult. I have all these worries about baby – its a whole lot of unknowns! In the states, we only have the ultrasound once. I had it twice because the first one was not clear. This makes me even more anxious :/ I can only pray that baby will be just fine and all my worries are unfounded.

So, how’s 2018 going to be for you? I know it will be challenging for me. Not only 2018 but the years ahead for me. Bing had been really busy with work.. sure, he said he will help.. but I know he will still let work take over his family life.

I guess getting pregnant was the BIGGEST thing in 2017 for me. I thought I will get a new job and jump start on a career in 2017 but it did not happen. I was miserable … now I don’t think it is going to happen anytime soon. In 2017, my joy came from Ringo, our sweet boy! He had a grand total for 3 dog trick titles this year! He is now an advanced trick dog!! Sadly, I am unsure if we can continue with this next year. He also recently developed an allergy on his right eye. We had been bringing him to the vet for the past few weeks and there’s not much improvements. I hope he will get better soon and be a healthy+happy dog in 2018 and years to come.

That’s all for now. Happy New Year!