Mid-30s

Today, I am offically in my mid-thirties! Wow!

I guess I can say I did nearly everything I wanted to do.

The past year had been very hard. Having a kid turns your life upside down. I have no idea how do people have more than 1 child.

Food elimination for breastfeeding was the biggest challenge for me. You know what.. i did it for 1 year! I think I would have continued if i didn’t catch the very bad cold and had to take medication. I guess getting sick after 1 year of breastfeeding is God’s way of telling me that what i did was enough. I felt guilty to stop but happy that i can eat everything i want.

Just when i thought i could start eating everything i want, i got ill again and again. Taking care of a kid when you are not 100% is hard. Many times, I hate my life so much and wished that i could just die!

I hope that this year things will take a good turn. At least, people won’t ask me if we are planning to have kids. See… we have Meghan. I am suffering.. you happy now?!

Meghan isn’t feeling too well. She had a slight cough and a little running nose. Super cranky. Like all things… i hope this will pass!

Just the beginning

If you think birth and labor is hard, try taking care of a new born.

Since the first week, Meghan does not have good skin. Instagram seem to have a nice way of covering skin flaws. I thought it would go away within weeks but it only got worst. First, it was ‘cradle cap’ – her scalp is flaky and dry. Then came the rashes on her body, which doctor diagnosed it as eczema. I was devastated. Why does only my baby have this issue? What did I do wrong or didn’t do? There’s no such thing as flawless baby skin for my baby. I was beyond upset and embarrassed to bring my baby out.

According to the doctor, eczema could be genetic or due to food allergy. We both do not have eczema, maybe its food allergy since Meghan is taking breast milk.

There are many allergens to eliminate. This makes eating very difficult and troublesome. I wanted to feed Meghan the best – breastmilk but I harmed her instead. You have no idea how much tears I wept. I looked at her innocent face as rashes spread through her small body. My heart breaks. As she grows and when she knows how to scratch, that’s when these rashes will get worst. I have to keep them under control.

It’s been 2 weeks with my new diet. We have been using cream on her. The rashes are still there. Yes, it did get a little better, just a little but it’s mostly still there. Cradle cap situation also makes her skin peels and just simply look bad.

With breast feeding, you need the extra calories for milk. Changing of diet just changes the dynamics of my breast milk and even hurt my supply. What am I going to do with the breastmilk I painstakingly froze before I go with this new diet?

I feel so angry and resentful – mostly with Bing’s family. If we didn’t have Meghan we will not have this issue. We are now stuck with her and her skin problems. Who knows what else we will face?

Next step, to see an allergist and the dermatologist.

I am feeling so hopeless and wish that nothing like this ever happened.