Start of 2019

Instead of doing an end of year, why not do a start of new year post?

I guess it is the same, cause both are for review of what happened last year.

Some of the highlights:

  1. Meghan of course
  2. Lots of home improvements
  3. We went to watch an actual movie

2018 is a challenging year for me and my family. Well we did have 1 new addition Meghan. Amanda always asks me if I regret having her, I don’t have regret but its definitely difficult adjusting our lives around her. Thankfully our families have taken time to come over and help us out. I do hope things will get better/easier once she is older so we can better treat her eczema.

We spent a ton on home improvements. We decided against buying another place but instead added another bedroom to the house. We also finally finished up insulation work. Next year, I intend to do the door and carpet and thats basically it. One of the things that I have been thinking more of is how to sustain financially in later parts of our life. Maybe we need to get more property for rental income? Not sure yet.

I did stick to most of my promise of coming home on time mainly cause of the bus and shuttle timing. And we finally went to watch a movie recently! That was a such a long time ago that we did that, glad we did. I do hope Amanda will be more positive in 2019 so that we can enjoy ourselves including Meghan. Hopefully the daycare part will help out by giving us more time and also enriching Meghan’s life!

 

2018 – what a year!

It’s the end of the year again!

2018 is an exceptionally trying year.

1) we have a baby .. duh..

Meghan changed my life (for the worst). I have never been so exhausted, worried, guilty, depressed, resentful … ( insert all negative words you can think of)

I gave her life and lost a HUGE part of me. There’s nothing worth being happy about. I can’t look at our creation and think that she is the best thing that had happened to us. Parenthood is so tough.

I spent days, weeks, months being upset and judgemental to myself and didn’t enjoy the moments. I let my negativity get the better of me and missed her as a little baby. She almost 1 now… people say it gets easier? I doubt. It could be a timebomb waiting to explode.

2) Beacuse of #1, I think our marriage is strained.

Well, we don’t talk about us anymore. Bing works alot and with his free time..he would rather be playing games on his phone. No matter how I tell him off, he just won’t stop.

I guess its a hard habit to kick in this modern world. At least, I have Meghan’s attention all the time.

3) I miss eating everything I like.

Meghan have allergies. We have no known allergies! It was really hard to change my diet and eliminate the allergens.

Nope… all my sacrifice did not help. Guilt and self blame over every tiny rash on her body kills me as it could be linked to something i ate. My heart broke each time she scratches till she bleeds. On some days the itch affects her sleep. I had no choice but to put medication on her – I weeped when she’s slower than her peers “must be the medication!” Its my fault since i choose to feed her the best – breastmilk. I persevered and she is almost 1. While I am looking forward to getting out of “food jail”, I feel selfish .. Her allergies and eczema is going to stay with her.

4) what about another child?

I thought about it. Sometimes i feel that i want another child so that i can prove myself wrong – maybe the next baby will not have allergies. The pessimist in me also say “no allergies but maybe other problems?”

On the other hand, It would be nice for Meghan to grow up with a sibling. At least, they have each other when we are gone.

Another child also means no more sleep and i will be 100X more tired than now.

If only i could tell the future…

____
I think these sums up my horrible 2018. I hope I will be able to find myself next year (Fat hope..i know).

Still…Wish me luck!

10 years anniversary!

It’s our 10 years wedding anniversary! 10 years is a big deal! There’s a special name for 10 years – It is a DECADE can!!! This year we have a new member in our family! Meghan is God’s anniversary gift to us! 

Having a baby truly changes the dynamics of your relationship. Though we know each other for almost 1/2 our lives, we are still learning more about each other. It’s interesting to see how different our parenting styles are.

On most days, I can’t wait for Meghan to grow up faster so that we can have our own lives back. Some days, I look back at her old photos and reminisce how tiny and adorable she was ( why did it take me so Long!)..

I am just happy that in our journey as Husband and Wife, we get to experience this phrase of our lives together. Even happier that we enjoyed the past 9 years of marriage life, before we have a kid. Well, if there isn’t a new member in our family, I believe we will still be happy!

In my mind, I thought we will be celebrating our 10 years anniversary in Cancun or somewhere similar…renewing our vows at a beach setting, just the 2 of us. Of course, with a baby, it isn’t like that!! Maybe we can make that happen on our 20 years anniversary!

Just the beginning

If you think birth and labor is hard, try taking care of a new born.

Since the first week, Meghan does not have good skin. Instagram seem to have a nice way of covering skin flaws. I thought it would go away within weeks but it only got worst. First, it was ‘cradle cap’ – her scalp is flaky and dry. Then came the rashes on her body, which doctor diagnosed it as eczema. I was devastated. Why does only my baby have this issue? What did I do wrong or didn’t do? There’s no such thing as flawless baby skin for my baby. I was beyond upset and embarrassed to bring my baby out.

According to the doctor, eczema could be genetic or due to food allergy. We both do not have eczema, maybe its food allergy since Meghan is taking breast milk.

There are many allergens to eliminate. This makes eating very difficult and troublesome. I wanted to feed Meghan the best – breastmilk but I harmed her instead. You have no idea how much tears I wept. I looked at her innocent face as rashes spread through her small body. My heart breaks. As she grows and when she knows how to scratch, that’s when these rashes will get worst. I have to keep them under control.

It’s been 2 weeks with my new diet. We have been using cream on her. The rashes are still there. Yes, it did get a little better, just a little but it’s mostly still there. Cradle cap situation also makes her skin peels and just simply look bad.

With breast feeding, you need the extra calories for milk. Changing of diet just changes the dynamics of my breast milk and even hurt my supply. What am I going to do with the breastmilk I painstakingly froze before I go with this new diet?

I feel so angry and resentful – mostly with Bing’s family. If we didn’t have Meghan we will not have this issue. We are now stuck with her and her skin problems. Who knows what else we will face?

Next step, to see an allergist and the dermatologist.

I am feeling so hopeless and wish that nothing like this ever happened.

Hi Baby

Motherhood is tough. Its only 2.5 weeks and I am counting down to the days baby leaves for college.

Here I am sitting in the nursery with Ringo by my feet, enjoying the quiet, peaceful moments before my baby wakes up from her short 2 hours or if i am lucky, 3 hours nap.

I wonder how am i going to get through the rest of the months, especially since my family will be miles away. Bing will be at work and i will likely be by myself. This makes me very anxious. Should i just quit my job?

January 22, 2018 is the day that made us parents. I experienced cramps around midnight and have bloody discharge – as though i was having my period. I ignored it and went to sleep, afterall, it was a week before the estimated due date. First baby usually comes late right?

I woke up in the morning and felt that the cramps did get alittle more intense. I panicked and quickly packed the hospital bag. I also finally cut off the tags on baby’s clothes and did the laundry. Very last minute i know. Nope, the cramps did not go away.

I told Bing about it and he decided to work from home that day. Pretty glad that he did – though i could tell that he was kinda annoyed, like it’s a bad timing. For the rest of the morning, I tried as much as possible to not think about the cramps. I did wall sits, called to confirm the cloth diaper service & made ‘padsicles’ for post partum use.

After lunch, I am still experiencing cramps. I figured since i can still talk and think, it is probably not time yet. Bing decided that we should start timing the cramps or i figured, the contractions.

The gyne office closes at 5pm. At about 3pm, Bing called the office and my doctor was able to see me right away. We just live 5 mins away from the hospital. So, we grabbed the bags and off we went.

The doctor checked me for dilation. I cried tears of relief when she told me i was 6cm, almost 7cm dilated! Gosh! I was stronger than i think i am. We checked in immediately. I can still walk, talk and was confident that I can do this.

The hospital room was big and it seem pretty quiet on a monday. I was relaxed. I remember changing into the hospital gown and watching Bachelor on TV. The doctor on call (Dr Hyde) came in to break my water bag. It was then when the contractions intensified. I practised my yoga breathing techniques (i think i sounded like a dog) and it did kind of help. However, I still asked for the epidural. I know i needed the strength and rest before the big push. I was shivering and feeling hungry (my last meal was 12.30pm!!).

The anesthesiologist came in promptly and i got the epidural. It was a HUGE relief. I got to 10cm dilated in about 3 hours. The doctor came to check on me and confirmed that it was time. I am scared. I prayed to God that it will be fast as I was so hungry – I am not sure if I can push for 2-3 hours.

At 10.30pm, we started pushing. I tried my best, listened to labor nurse’s cues. After about 2 huge pushes, she told me she see the baby’s head and she’s got hair. She wasted no time and called the doctor in. I know baby is coming! Dr Hyde came in within minutes and we started pushing with each contraction. He told me to reach down and touch my baby’s head. I hesitated as i found it disgusting but did it anyway. The feeling was amazing (silmy and bloody)! After about 2 more huge pushes, baby is out at 10.43pm! She let out a loud cry then proceeded to poop for the very first time! Phew! I was famished and thirsty. Glad it was over! Bing had the honor of cutting the umbilical cord.

I checked baby all over while doc is stitching me up. (2nd degree tear) I could see what he is doing on the reflection of his glasses but distracted myself and inspected my ‘product’ – Making sure baby have all 10 toes and fingers.

It was a tiring night but the start of a new adventure for us.

When things get hard, I will always remember the time when i reached down and touch her tiny, hairy, silmy head. God’s beautiful gift to us!

The nights are long but the days are short. How true….

Big changes in 2018

I took a last look at my favorite dress and stored it away… “Maybe I can fit into it again..”

I gave away some of my clothes as I do not think I can wear them anymore.

I teared when i see my new weight on the scale. How am I going to lose all this weight?

I cried quietly as I realised that I might be doing all my favorite things for the last time.

Things will never be the same again.

May 26, 2017 was the day I found out that I was pregnant. It was a few days before my flight to SG for a short vacation.
I had mixed feelings… and didn’t know what to expect. Bing was surprised too.. his reaction was “So fast???” and awkwardly gave me a hug.

My first instinct was my in-laws got their wish.. they must be so happy that i will be suffering and going through this pain alone. What if the baby is not perfect? What if there’s something wrong? What if they are upset about the gender? Me, as the mother, will be bearing all the responsibilities. Everybody will fault me. Well, I still feel this way.

I tried to hide my condition for as long as I can. I didn’t really want anyone to know… It’s weird when people congratulate me… Congratulate me for the future sleepless nights? for sore nipples? for having to deal with a fussy and whiny kid?

On the other hand, Bing is always busy. It’s just hard to get him to go to doctor’s appointments with me. He tries to come along but I feel that he’s 1/2 hearted. I still cook and do the groceries – he is too engrossed with his work to help. On most days, I felt that I am not getting the support and love I need. It’s like he couldn’t care less that it’s the last few months/weeks/days that it will be ‘us’.

The day is drawing near.. I am not looking forward and dreading the day… I know it’s gonna be difficult. I have all these worries about baby – its a whole lot of unknowns! In the states, we only have the ultrasound once. I had it twice because the first one was not clear. This makes me even more anxious :/ I can only pray that baby will be just fine and all my worries are unfounded.

So, how’s 2018 going to be for you? I know it will be challenging for me. Not only 2018 but the years ahead for me. Bing had been really busy with work.. sure, he said he will help.. but I know he will still let work take over his family life.

I guess getting pregnant was the BIGGEST thing in 2017 for me. I thought I will get a new job and jump start on a career in 2017 but it did not happen. I was miserable … now I don’t think it is going to happen anytime soon. In 2017, my joy came from Ringo, our sweet boy! He had a grand total for 3 dog trick titles this year! He is now an advanced trick dog!! Sadly, I am unsure if we can continue with this next year. He also recently developed an allergy on his right eye. We had been bringing him to the vet for the past few weeks and there’s not much improvements. I hope he will get better soon and be a healthy+happy dog in 2018 and years to come.

That’s all for now. Happy New Year!

2017 Review and 2018 Vision

Another year has passed us, time flies. And that’s why I hate celebrating birthdays, cause it reminds me of how old I am. But come next year, I will have a new meaning to birthdays. More on that later, let’s review 2017 first.

2017 was the first time I change a job in USA, it is quite a leap but also a small leap in the end. I wanted to leave MSFT for awhile, it wasn’t challenging and I wanted to try out some other companies just to see what difference there is. I am glad to have joined AMZN in the end. It was a small leap cause I still had a few good colleagues of mine that helped made the transition for me easier. It was still a leap mainly because it is very different. First it is in Seattle, thankfully I have public transport and shuttle from work as well. It is still time spend on traveling though. The other big change in AMZN is how different the focus is, I am not sure if it is my role or the company? Probably the company, there is a greater focus on customers, and I think employee so of suffer. Or should I say family of the employee suffer. I made have to work holiday, be on-call for weird dates/timing. I don’t quite get how someone who has a family is able to be on-call without having any friction at home. I learnt new technology, writing skills, interview, just learn a lot more of what should help me in my professional life, so for that I am grateful.

2017 was the first time we spend big on our home. We decided our home is not going to be big enough, so decided to splurge on a small addition. Like real small 🙂 The idea was if we want bigger, we might have to spend more just because of how picky we are, so it would be like a new or almost brand new home in a good location that is bigger than our current home. Excited to see it finish and hopefully in time for…

2018 is the first time we will be adding a new member to our small family! Ringo will always be my first, but this new member will be my favorite. We didn’t plan for it, so maybe its a fated. We already know what to name her and I am excited to bring her into our life. I know its going to be tough (we have already booked a house cleaner to help out) but I can’t wait to write her birthday cards, teach her how to play with Ringo, and hopefully one day see her grow up to be a capable beautiful woman just like my wife.

If there is one thing I wish it could be better, well a few things:

  • Ringo to be better behaved, I think we lacked the conviction in training him properly. That’s our fault…
  • Spend more time with wifey, I can’t help but want to do work all the time. Sorry Amanda…

What to wish for next year? Next year with the addition done, new baby on the way, its going to be super busy. I hope for a healthy baby and smooth birthing for Amanda. I also wish Ringo will be more obedient and his eye will recover. I do not wish for anything for myself, just my family’s well being and health.

Happy new year to all and wish you all good health and wealth too!

Hello 2017

There’s something exciting about a new year. It’s like you have a brand new notebook and you are using a new pen to write on its very first page. Yup… I plan to have a nice notebook for 2017. I hope you do too.

2016 had been really great! I thought it was going to be a bad year… Coz 2015 was sooooo wonderful… In the end, 2016 was not bad too. I feel so blessed.

Some highlights of 2016:

June

We went on a short road trip to Long Beach, WA and Portland, OR with Ringo. It was really fun.. Ringo loves it! It was his first road trip with us..Overall,he is such a good boy… It’s so silly but sometimes I really hope that he is a real boy.. I think he hopes so too !

September 

Ringo was neutered. I blogged about it… It was horrible. I am Glad it’s all over and it’s just like nothing happened.

November

We went for our first doggy birthday party!! It was really fun! Corgis (& I am sure other breeds too) get so much love from their humans… Wah…we are not the only crazy ones!!

December

We participated in our first Corgi Christmas cards exchange!!! We received about 100 cards!!! Corgination is really strong!!!! Of course, all the corgis are so loved ?

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I don’t really want to have any expectations for 2017… I think it will make me upset if things don’t get accomplished. I am just at a very comfortable and happy point of my life now that I am so afraid of changes.

Yet again, I feel that I need to do something more to have a better ‘career’ path. I am not a career -minded person but knowing about how some marriages around me are falling apart, makes me realise that I do need to have a better job. Bing and I may be fine now… But who knows.. Right? Well, there’s nothing wrong with my job now… I do Want to work for a bigger company when I still can? I hope that I will have the opportunity to… You know.. 

My biggest wish is still for our families ( + Ringo and Bambi) and friends to stay healthy. Still hoping that Ringo can be a STAR dog one day 🙂

Have a great 2017!! ❤️???

11 months of Ringo

I really wanted to blog but somehow time just slips by quickly.

Ringo is great! He is everything we wanted and more for a dog… It’s amazing how smart and good looking he is. Haha.. Sorry to be bragging about Ringo but… I don’t know how else to put it. Sometimes, I just felt that we are not giving him the best in his short life. Could he be happier in someone else’s home? 

It came to a time that we need to neuter him. We had been putting this Off for a very Long while. The breeder was fine with us neutering him when he is 2 years old. However, we enrolled in a health plan with a vet… And the plan includes neutering. We need to neuter him before the plan expires in October. We scheduled to have him snipped on September 11. He is about 15 months old.

I was extremely worried and scared. He needs to be on anethesia. I know it’s a common surgery but still there’s a whole lot of ‘what ifs’. I cried for a couple of nights knowing that I am about to make Ringo undergo the pain… He was such a good dog… No issues whatsoever…. 

On the day, we dropped Ringo off at the vet. He was so excited when we got on the car. He thought we were going somewhere fun. We left him with the vet tech reluctantly. I already had tears in my eyes. I didn’t dare to turn back. As we walked out of the clinic, I can’t hold back my tears anymore. I felt so silly. I think I saw BH wipe his eyes too.

Waiting for the vet to call was nerve wrecking. I can’t do anything right… Ringo was constantly on my mind. It’s amazing how that important call always reach you during the few minutes when you are unable to pick up. ( we were in a underground carpark and there’s no reception) The vet left a voicemail saying that the surgery went perfectly! I was relieved!

We promptly picked Ringo up. It was Super crowded at the clinic. We waited awhile. The moment the vet came out with Ringo… I had to hold back my tears again. Ringo looked sad, groggy. His eyes were oily and wet (like he cried but I learnt that it’s some oil the vet put on his eyes for the surgery) . His ears were down. Worst of all, he is in a cone! He looked at us with the ” what did I do wrong? Why must you put me through this pain? ” eyes. Ouch… It hurts me. I was heartbrokened. Nope.. I am the master… I can’t show it!

That first night after the surgery was tough. He did not eat dinner. Neither did he poop… Maybe he didn’t even pee. He was crying/whining for the whole night. Bing had to gently stroke him to sleep. I was Too heartbrokened – I drifted in and out of sleep… Straining my eyes open once in a while to check on him. It was a Long night… But we survived. Ringo’s first night home vs first night after surgery  – which is worst? I guess first night after surgery was slightly better. I am pretty thankful I took the week off.

This marks Our first experience taking turns to care for a baby. It will be 100x worst if it’s a human baby!

Ringo was still recovering the day after surgery. He did eat but still no poop. The following day… He was back to his usual self 🙂 I am extremely relieved.

As I am typing this, Ringo is sitting right under my feet – Just chilling and spending time with me. 

Now, the recovery period will take about 2 weeks. We will need to restrict his activities.. No jumping or running. That’s Super hard…. I hope the 2 weeks will fly by soon enough.

It’s been awhile…

Everything’s great!

Ringo had been so far so good.. he get naughty at times but who don’t?! Dogs got their mood swings too! 🙂 Sometimes, I look at Ringo and wonder how did I survive the past many years without him? haha.. feeling blessed that he came into our lives!

Time flew by quickly this year.. almost 1/4 of the year is gone! Nope,I did not achieve much. In fact, I am thinking of quitting my job and staying home – just like the good old days…I’m just not sure if that’s a good idea 🙁 I mean.. my work isn’t that hard…

This week I did myself a favor and took the rest of the week off. It feels good to be out when most people are at work 😀 BH also took the day off. Yayness! We went for a nice lunch at Barking Frog. It’s ‘Dine Around Seattle’ promotion now. We had 3 course meal for $18! After which, we headed to a nursery to look at plants. Then, came back and did some gardening… Life is good!

Here’s what I did.. yes… can’t believe that it took so long just to find these plants and put them in a pot!

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Now…. I hope that the plants survive!!!

If you ask me what I think BH and I will be doing when we are retired? I can imagine us gardening and/or probably arguing about how we are going to put up the Christmas lights in front of our house..hahaha..

Getting late… till the next post!