Meghan is 3

Today did not turned out to be what I thought it would be. Meghan woke up early and excited that it’s her birthday. Well, that’s understandable. I wasn’t upset with her for being excited that it’s her special day. The weather was beautiful – cold but sunny with blue skies. I was going to make her day special by maybe going to the playground or taking a walk outside. Nope. It didn’t happen. She was very demanding today. She wanted to have snacks after snacks during her virtual class ( she did not finish the snacks she asked for!) and also wanted to do a science experiment ( which we did). The worst thing was.. she refused to use the potty. The usual reward didn’t work! That was a spoiler for the day. She literally just ruined her own day. I am tired and frustrated.

Life is so much easier and carefree without a child. More time, less pressure, less stress. Why do people want kids again?

Fortunately, I penned the following down yesterday- it was a nicer blog post. To a better tomorrow.


“Is it my birthday yet?” “Is the bakerman baking my cake?” You asked. You have been waiting for this day for a long time. You are so excited to celebrate your birthday!

“What do you want to do on your birthday?” I asked, feeling so ready to plan a full day of activities for her. “Just play with my birthday toys!” She exclaimed. Ahh… our Meghan is simple like that.

It’s been a ride. The last year haven’t been fair to you. Due to the pandemic, we pulled you out of school and stayed home most of the time. I spent my days struggling to deal with everything and feeling guilty everyday. If only, I allowed you to play a little longer with your friends at school – who knows it was the last time you were seeing them.

I must have done something right? In the past year, you had grown to be such a kind, brilliant and sweet girl! When we feel frustrated about your potty accidents, you assured us that “Accidents happens and it’s ok. We learn from it.” You love your baby Abbey/Abigail so much! It just makes me think that you will be such a wonderful big sister – too bad I don’t have the strength and energy to have another child.

You are not the prettiest, cutest or smartest but you have an awesome personality. I wished more people will know how awesome you are! Your awesomeness also comes with Tesla Supercharge – lasting the whole day without naps!

I hope this year will be your best year yet!
Happy birthday our dear girl!

2020 is over!

Tough year! Who would have thought that we would be in a pandemic for the most part of the year.

The year started bright and cheerful. My mum was here to help me for the first week of 2020. All was good. Meghan was happy in school. My boss was okay with me working part time. I was happy to finally get some rest and ‘me’ time since Meghan was in full-time school. Then, one fine day.. COVID-19 happened and changed all my plans.

I clearly remember the week when the number of kids in daycare were greatly reduced. I was scared too. I pulled Meghan out of school. I really do not know if it was harder for me or for her. The mom guilt lingers. I really just wanted her to be safe and our family to be healthy. Poor girl, she asked about her friends and teachers. I told her that there is a virus – she seemed to understand. Still, it breaks my heart when she tells me ” Mama I am sad because I am alone. ” If I knew that day was the last time she was going to be in school for a while, I would have just let her play in the playground for a little longer…I am sorry, Meghan. The 2nd year of your life is ruined by a pandemic.

2020 was a lot of pressure, stress and anxiety. I struggled everyday. I wonder how other women do it. Nobody seem to talk about how they struggle. They continue to have kids, work blah blah and here’s me… wondering how can I escape from all of these. I am so ‘weak’ compared to other women.

I hope 2021 will be better. It got to be. This can’t be forever right?

Meghan is 2!

I am feeling a little emotional as i type this post!

The days really fly by but the nights are LOOOOooNg!

When she’s a baby, i can’t wait for her to grow up. It was so hard to take care of a baby. I was worried all the time. I still worry about her but in the past year she grew up to be such a kind, helpful and sweet little girl. Aww… my heart is bursting with love thinking about her innocent soul.

This year, she turns 2! All I wish for her is to be healthy, happy and kind.

Happy birthday my princess! It took me so long to bond with you but I will always love you 🙂

we survived 2019!

Woohoo! Another year had gone by just like that!

Many times this year I felt that time was crawling.. but to look back.. where have all the time gone?
2019 started out pretty rocky. I remember falling ill a number of times. Oh.. the tiredness and the anxiety of taking care of a toddler!
Motherhood is tough. I find it so hard to find a good balance with my own personal time, work and being a mum.

To think about it now, 2019 is a good year.
I was resentful and upset about Meghan. I was anxious about her allergies and eczema. Things did get better.
We received help from family in Singapore, many miles away. I hate to get help because it makes me feel weak. The help we received helped me to free up some time to bond with Meghan. It makes me want to be with her more.

2019 is also the year that Meghan achieved many milestones:
1) she took her first steps
2) said her first 4 syllabus word ‘Alligator’
3) formed her first sentence ‘Mama read Meghan storybook’
4) tell us/ demand what she wants
5) gained independence – she love school!
6) tell us about her day in school

It is amazing how 1 year makes a huge difference in a child’s life. Ahh.. my sweet sweet child. We love you so much and yet afraid that you are going to be so spoilt.

AND of course, our loyal and faithful Ringo who is always hungry – he is tolerant towards Meghan and we are thankful for that!

We also traveled to Singapore in 2019 – an epic trip BUT worthwhile. We all came back with BAD jet lag. Meghan’s skin suffered in the heat. However, Meghan grew so much during/after the trip. She enjoyed Char Siew, Chicken rice, Roti Prata … and was extremely happy to know that she’s got cousins to play with! Maybe we will be back again in 2020? We’ll see…

2020 – I wish that our family will remain healthy and happy. Meghan will grow up well, learn more and be kind. Ringo to be a less greedy dog. Bing to use his phone/computer less. As for me? I hope to survive again.. Deep in me, i really want to have a real full-time job BUT i know that’s will take a whole lot out of me. Maybe, I can be a stand up comedian instead? haha 😀

Happy New Year!

Mid-30s

Today, I am offically in my mid-thirties! Wow!

I guess I can say I did nearly everything I wanted to do.

The past year had been very hard. Having a kid turns your life upside down. I have no idea how do people have more than 1 child.

Food elimination for breastfeeding was the biggest challenge for me. You know what.. i did it for 1 year! I think I would have continued if i didn’t catch the very bad cold and had to take medication. I guess getting sick after 1 year of breastfeeding is God’s way of telling me that what i did was enough. I felt guilty to stop but happy that i can eat everything i want.

Just when i thought i could start eating everything i want, i got ill again and again. Taking care of a kid when you are not 100% is hard. Many times, I hate my life so much and wished that i could just die!

I hope that this year things will take a good turn. At least, people won’t ask me if we are planning to have kids. See… we have Meghan. I am suffering.. you happy now?!

Meghan isn’t feeling too well. She had a slight cough and a little running nose. Super cranky. Like all things… i hope this will pass!

Meghan 1 year old birthday

Dear Meghan,

Happy 1 year old! This is your dad’s first birthday post for you. I wanted to get you a card for your birthday but didn’t had the time to go get one. Maybe next year. For now, I will just write a blog post for you to celebrate your 1 year old!

It is amazing how time flies by. I still remember the night you were born, not sure if your mom remembers anything. 😉

I don’t think I ever told this to anyone but I used to be afraid of kids. Mainly because I am scare that they would think I am ugly, weird and just cry or run away if I interact with them too much. That is till I have you. I remember how you would cling onto me so tight in case someone wants to carry you instead. I know this isn’t healthy but a part of me is really happy when you do that. And you would smile when you see me, or laugh when I play with you. Obviously there are times you would drive both me and your mama crazy with your crying, screaming, not wanting to sleep but I still love you.

We just finished watching this show on netflix which is about tidying up your house, and the goal is to keep things that spark joy when you hold it. That’s how I feel when I carry you and you are not screaming. 🙂

I sometimes wish you would grow up fast but also at the same time not too fast. If you grow up fast, we would be able to do more things together but at the same time, you would get to do your own things yourself without me too. I hope that when you do grow up, that you will also remember me and the times when you cling on to me tightly.

Love and happy birthday,

Binghuan

Start of 2019

Instead of doing an end of year, why not do a start of new year post?

I guess it is the same, cause both are for review of what happened last year.

Some of the highlights:

  1. Meghan of course
  2. Lots of home improvements
  3. We went to watch an actual movie

2018 is a challenging year for me and my family. Well we did have 1 new addition Meghan. Amanda always asks me if I regret having her, I don’t have regret but its definitely difficult adjusting our lives around her. Thankfully our families have taken time to come over and help us out. I do hope things will get better/easier once she is older so we can better treat her eczema.

We spent a ton on home improvements. We decided against buying another place but instead added another bedroom to the house. We also finally finished up insulation work. Next year, I intend to do the door and carpet and thats basically it. One of the things that I have been thinking more of is how to sustain financially in later parts of our life. Maybe we need to get more property for rental income? Not sure yet.

I did stick to most of my promise of coming home on time mainly cause of the bus and shuttle timing. And we finally went to watch a movie recently! That was a such a long time ago that we did that, glad we did. I do hope Amanda will be more positive in 2019 so that we can enjoy ourselves including Meghan. Hopefully the daycare part will help out by giving us more time and also enriching Meghan’s life!

 

2018 – what a year!

It’s the end of the year again!

2018 is an exceptionally trying year.

1) we have a baby .. duh..

Meghan changed my life (for the worst). I have never been so exhausted, worried, guilty, depressed, resentful … ( insert all negative words you can think of)

I gave her life and lost a HUGE part of me. There’s nothing worth being happy about. I can’t look at our creation and think that she is the best thing that had happened to us. Parenthood is so tough.

I spent days, weeks, months being upset and judgemental to myself and didn’t enjoy the moments. I let my negativity get the better of me and missed her as a little baby. She almost 1 now… people say it gets easier? I doubt. It could be a timebomb waiting to explode.

2) Beacuse of #1, I think our marriage is strained.

Well, we don’t talk about us anymore. Bing works alot and with his free time..he would rather be playing games on his phone. No matter how I tell him off, he just won’t stop.

I guess its a hard habit to kick in this modern world. At least, I have Meghan’s attention all the time.

3) I miss eating everything I like.

Meghan have allergies. We have no known allergies! It was really hard to change my diet and eliminate the allergens.

Nope… all my sacrifice did not help. Guilt and self blame over every tiny rash on her body kills me as it could be linked to something i ate. My heart broke each time she scratches till she bleeds. On some days the itch affects her sleep. I had no choice but to put medication on her – I weeped when she’s slower than her peers “must be the medication!” Its my fault since i choose to feed her the best – breastmilk. I persevered and she is almost 1. While I am looking forward to getting out of “food jail”, I feel selfish .. Her allergies and eczema is going to stay with her.

4) what about another child?

I thought about it. Sometimes i feel that i want another child so that i can prove myself wrong – maybe the next baby will not have allergies. The pessimist in me also say “no allergies but maybe other problems?”

On the other hand, It would be nice for Meghan to grow up with a sibling. At least, they have each other when we are gone.

Another child also means no more sleep and i will be 100X more tired than now.

If only i could tell the future…

____
I think these sums up my horrible 2018. I hope I will be able to find myself next year (Fat hope..i know).

Still…Wish me luck!

10 years anniversary!

It’s our 10 years wedding anniversary! 10 years is a big deal! There’s a special name for 10 years – It is a DECADE can!!! This year we have a new member in our family! Meghan is God’s anniversary gift to us! 

Having a baby truly changes the dynamics of your relationship. Though we know each other for almost 1/2 our lives, we are still learning more about each other. It’s interesting to see how different our parenting styles are.

On most days, I can’t wait for Meghan to grow up faster so that we can have our own lives back. Some days, I look back at her old photos and reminisce how tiny and adorable she was ( why did it take me so Long!)..

I am just happy that in our journey as Husband and Wife, we get to experience this phrase of our lives together. Even happier that we enjoyed the past 9 years of marriage life, before we have a kid. Well, if there isn’t a new member in our family, I believe we will still be happy!

In my mind, I thought we will be celebrating our 10 years anniversary in Cancun or somewhere similar…renewing our vows at a beach setting, just the 2 of us. Of course, with a baby, it isn’t like that!! Maybe we can make that happen on our 20 years anniversary!

Just the beginning

If you think birth and labor is hard, try taking care of a new born.

Since the first week, Meghan does not have good skin. Instagram seem to have a nice way of covering skin flaws. I thought it would go away within weeks but it only got worst. First, it was ‘cradle cap’ – her scalp is flaky and dry. Then came the rashes on her body, which doctor diagnosed it as eczema. I was devastated. Why does only my baby have this issue? What did I do wrong or didn’t do? There’s no such thing as flawless baby skin for my baby. I was beyond upset and embarrassed to bring my baby out.

According to the doctor, eczema could be genetic or due to food allergy. We both do not have eczema, maybe its food allergy since Meghan is taking breast milk.

There are many allergens to eliminate. This makes eating very difficult and troublesome. I wanted to feed Meghan the best – breastmilk but I harmed her instead. You have no idea how much tears I wept. I looked at her innocent face as rashes spread through her small body. My heart breaks. As she grows and when she knows how to scratch, that’s when these rashes will get worst. I have to keep them under control.

It’s been 2 weeks with my new diet. We have been using cream on her. The rashes are still there. Yes, it did get a little better, just a little but it’s mostly still there. Cradle cap situation also makes her skin peels and just simply look bad.

With breast feeding, you need the extra calories for milk. Changing of diet just changes the dynamics of my breast milk and even hurt my supply. What am I going to do with the breastmilk I painstakingly froze before I go with this new diet?

I feel so angry and resentful – mostly with Bing’s family. If we didn’t have Meghan we will not have this issue. We are now stuck with her and her skin problems. Who knows what else we will face?

Next step, to see an allergist and the dermatologist.

I am feeling so hopeless and wish that nothing like this ever happened.