Meghan is 2!

I am feeling a little emotional as i type this post!

The days really fly by but the nights are LOOOOooNg!

When she’s a baby, i can’t wait for her to grow up. It was so hard to take care of a baby. I was worried all the time. I still worry about her but in the past year she grew up to be such a kind, helpful and sweet little girl. Aww… my heart is bursting with love thinking about her innocent soul.

This year, she turns 2! All I wish for her is to be healthy, happy and kind.

Happy birthday my princess! It took me so long to bond with you but I will always love you 🙂

we survived 2019!

Woohoo! Another year had gone by just like that!

Many times this year I felt that time was crawling.. but to look back.. where have all the time gone?
2019 started out pretty rocky. I remember falling ill a number of times. Oh.. the tiredness and the anxiety of taking care of a toddler!
Motherhood is tough. I find it so hard to find a good balance with my own personal time, work and being a mum.

To think about it now, 2019 is a good year.
I was resentful and upset about Meghan. I was anxious about her allergies and eczema. Things did get better.
We received help from family in Singapore, many miles away. I hate to get help because it makes me feel weak. The help we received helped me to free up some time to bond with Meghan. It makes me want to be with her more.

2019 is also the year that Meghan achieved many milestones:
1) she took her first steps
2) said her first 4 syllabus word ‘Alligator’
3) formed her first sentence ‘Mama read Meghan storybook’
4) tell us/ demand what she wants
5) gained independence – she love school!
6) tell us about her day in school

It is amazing how 1 year makes a huge difference in a child’s life. Ahh.. my sweet sweet child. We love you so much and yet afraid that you are going to be so spoilt.

AND of course, our loyal and faithful Ringo who is always hungry – he is tolerant towards Meghan and we are thankful for that!

We also traveled to Singapore in 2019 – an epic trip BUT worthwhile. We all came back with BAD jet lag. Meghan’s skin suffered in the heat. However, Meghan grew so much during/after the trip. She enjoyed Char Siew, Chicken rice, Roti Prata … and was extremely happy to know that she’s got cousins to play with! Maybe we will be back again in 2020? We’ll see…

2020 – I wish that our family will remain healthy and happy. Meghan will grow up well, learn more and be kind. Ringo to be a less greedy dog. Bing to use his phone/computer less. As for me? I hope to survive again.. Deep in me, i really want to have a real full-time job BUT i know that’s will take a whole lot out of me. Maybe, I can be a stand up comedian instead? haha 😀

Happy New Year!

Mid-30s

Today, I am offically in my mid-thirties! Wow!

I guess I can say I did nearly everything I wanted to do.

The past year had been very hard. Having a kid turns your life upside down. I have no idea how do people have more than 1 child.

Food elimination for breastfeeding was the biggest challenge for me. You know what.. i did it for 1 year! I think I would have continued if i didn’t catch the very bad cold and had to take medication. I guess getting sick after 1 year of breastfeeding is God’s way of telling me that what i did was enough. I felt guilty to stop but happy that i can eat everything i want.

Just when i thought i could start eating everything i want, i got ill again and again. Taking care of a kid when you are not 100% is hard. Many times, I hate my life so much and wished that i could just die!

I hope that this year things will take a good turn. At least, people won’t ask me if we are planning to have kids. See… we have Meghan. I am suffering.. you happy now?!

Meghan isn’t feeling too well. She had a slight cough and a little running nose. Super cranky. Like all things… i hope this will pass!

Meghan 1 year old birthday

Dear Meghan,

Happy 1 year old! This is your dad’s first birthday post for you. I wanted to get you a card for your birthday but didn’t had the time to go get one. Maybe next year. For now, I will just write a blog post for you to celebrate your 1 year old!

It is amazing how time flies by. I still remember the night you were born, not sure if your mom remembers anything. 😉

I don’t think I ever told this to anyone but I used to be afraid of kids. Mainly because I am scare that they would think I am ugly, weird and just cry or run away if I interact with them too much. That is till I have you. I remember how you would cling onto me so tight in case someone wants to carry you instead. I know this isn’t healthy but a part of me is really happy when you do that. And you would smile when you see me, or laugh when I play with you. Obviously there are times you would drive both me and your mama crazy with your crying, screaming, not wanting to sleep but I still love you.

We just finished watching this show on netflix which is about tidying up your house, and the goal is to keep things that spark joy when you hold it. That’s how I feel when I carry you and you are not screaming. 🙂

I sometimes wish you would grow up fast but also at the same time not too fast. If you grow up fast, we would be able to do more things together but at the same time, you would get to do your own things yourself without me too. I hope that when you do grow up, that you will also remember me and the times when you cling on to me tightly.

Love and happy birthday,

Binghuan

Start of 2019

Instead of doing an end of year, why not do a start of new year post?

I guess it is the same, cause both are for review of what happened last year.

Some of the highlights:

  1. Meghan of course
  2. Lots of home improvements
  3. We went to watch an actual movie

2018 is a challenging year for me and my family. Well we did have 1 new addition Meghan. Amanda always asks me if I regret having her, I don’t have regret but its definitely difficult adjusting our lives around her. Thankfully our families have taken time to come over and help us out. I do hope things will get better/easier once she is older so we can better treat her eczema.

We spent a ton on home improvements. We decided against buying another place but instead added another bedroom to the house. We also finally finished up insulation work. Next year, I intend to do the door and carpet and thats basically it. One of the things that I have been thinking more of is how to sustain financially in later parts of our life. Maybe we need to get more property for rental income? Not sure yet.

I did stick to most of my promise of coming home on time mainly cause of the bus and shuttle timing. And we finally went to watch a movie recently! That was a such a long time ago that we did that, glad we did. I do hope Amanda will be more positive in 2019 so that we can enjoy ourselves including Meghan. Hopefully the daycare part will help out by giving us more time and also enriching Meghan’s life!

 

2018 – what a year!

It’s the end of the year again!

2018 is an exceptionally trying year.

1) we have a baby .. duh..

Meghan changed my life (for the worst). I have never been so exhausted, worried, guilty, depressed, resentful … ( insert all negative words you can think of)

I gave her life and lost a HUGE part of me. There’s nothing worth being happy about. I can’t look at our creation and think that she is the best thing that had happened to us. Parenthood is so tough.

I spent days, weeks, months being upset and judgemental to myself and didn’t enjoy the moments. I let my negativity get the better of me and missed her as a little baby. She almost 1 now… people say it gets easier? I doubt. It could be a timebomb waiting to explode.

2) Beacuse of #1, I think our marriage is strained.

Well, we don’t talk about us anymore. Bing works alot and with his free time..he would rather be playing games on his phone. No matter how I tell him off, he just won’t stop.

I guess its a hard habit to kick in this modern world. At least, I have Meghan’s attention all the time.

3) I miss eating everything I like.

Meghan have allergies. We have no known allergies! It was really hard to change my diet and eliminate the allergens.

Nope… all my sacrifice did not help. Guilt and self blame over every tiny rash on her body kills me as it could be linked to something i ate. My heart broke each time she scratches till she bleeds. On some days the itch affects her sleep. I had no choice but to put medication on her – I weeped when she’s slower than her peers “must be the medication!” Its my fault since i choose to feed her the best – breastmilk. I persevered and she is almost 1. While I am looking forward to getting out of “food jail”, I feel selfish .. Her allergies and eczema is going to stay with her.

4) what about another child?

I thought about it. Sometimes i feel that i want another child so that i can prove myself wrong – maybe the next baby will not have allergies. The pessimist in me also say “no allergies but maybe other problems?”

On the other hand, It would be nice for Meghan to grow up with a sibling. At least, they have each other when we are gone.

Another child also means no more sleep and i will be 100X more tired than now.

If only i could tell the future…

____
I think these sums up my horrible 2018. I hope I will be able to find myself next year (Fat hope..i know).

Still…Wish me luck!

10 years anniversary!

It’s our 10 years wedding anniversary! 10 years is a big deal! There’s a special name for 10 years – It is a DECADE can!!! This year we have a new member in our family! Meghan is God’s anniversary gift to us! 

Having a baby truly changes the dynamics of your relationship. Though we know each other for almost 1/2 our lives, we are still learning more about each other. It’s interesting to see how different our parenting styles are.

On most days, I can’t wait for Meghan to grow up faster so that we can have our own lives back. Some days, I look back at her old photos and reminisce how tiny and adorable she was ( why did it take me so Long!)..

I am just happy that in our journey as Husband and Wife, we get to experience this phrase of our lives together. Even happier that we enjoyed the past 9 years of marriage life, before we have a kid. Well, if there isn’t a new member in our family, I believe we will still be happy!

In my mind, I thought we will be celebrating our 10 years anniversary in Cancun or somewhere similar…renewing our vows at a beach setting, just the 2 of us. Of course, with a baby, it isn’t like that!! Maybe we can make that happen on our 20 years anniversary!

Just the beginning

If you think birth and labor is hard, try taking care of a new born.

Since the first week, Meghan does not have good skin. Instagram seem to have a nice way of covering skin flaws. I thought it would go away within weeks but it only got worst. First, it was ‘cradle cap’ – her scalp is flaky and dry. Then came the rashes on her body, which doctor diagnosed it as eczema. I was devastated. Why does only my baby have this issue? What did I do wrong or didn’t do? There’s no such thing as flawless baby skin for my baby. I was beyond upset and embarrassed to bring my baby out.

According to the doctor, eczema could be genetic or due to food allergy. We both do not have eczema, maybe its food allergy since Meghan is taking breast milk.

There are many allergens to eliminate. This makes eating very difficult and troublesome. I wanted to feed Meghan the best – breastmilk but I harmed her instead. You have no idea how much tears I wept. I looked at her innocent face as rashes spread through her small body. My heart breaks. As she grows and when she knows how to scratch, that’s when these rashes will get worst. I have to keep them under control.

It’s been 2 weeks with my new diet. We have been using cream on her. The rashes are still there. Yes, it did get a little better, just a little but it’s mostly still there. Cradle cap situation also makes her skin peels and just simply look bad.

With breast feeding, you need the extra calories for milk. Changing of diet just changes the dynamics of my breast milk and even hurt my supply. What am I going to do with the breastmilk I painstakingly froze before I go with this new diet?

I feel so angry and resentful – mostly with Bing’s family. If we didn’t have Meghan we will not have this issue. We are now stuck with her and her skin problems. Who knows what else we will face?

Next step, to see an allergist and the dermatologist.

I am feeling so hopeless and wish that nothing like this ever happened.

Hi Baby

Motherhood is tough. Its only 2.5 weeks and I am counting down to the days baby leaves for college.

Here I am sitting in the nursery with Ringo by my feet, enjoying the quiet, peaceful moments before my baby wakes up from her short 2 hours or if i am lucky, 3 hours nap.

I wonder how am i going to get through the rest of the months, especially since my family will be miles away. Bing will be at work and i will likely be by myself. This makes me very anxious. Should i just quit my job?

January 22, 2018 is the day that made us parents. I experienced cramps around midnight and have bloody discharge – as though i was having my period. I ignored it and went to sleep, afterall, it was a week before the estimated due date. First baby usually comes late right?

I woke up in the morning and felt that the cramps did get alittle more intense. I panicked and quickly packed the hospital bag. I also finally cut off the tags on baby’s clothes and did the laundry. Very last minute i know. Nope, the cramps did not go away.

I told Bing about it and he decided to work from home that day. Pretty glad that he did – though i could tell that he was kinda annoyed, like it’s a bad timing. For the rest of the morning, I tried as much as possible to not think about the cramps. I did wall sits, called to confirm the cloth diaper service & made ‘padsicles’ for post partum use.

After lunch, I am still experiencing cramps. I figured since i can still talk and think, it is probably not time yet. Bing decided that we should start timing the cramps or i figured, the contractions.

The gyne office closes at 5pm. At about 3pm, Bing called the office and my doctor was able to see me right away. We just live 5 mins away from the hospital. So, we grabbed the bags and off we went.

The doctor checked me for dilation. I cried tears of relief when she told me i was 6cm, almost 7cm dilated! Gosh! I was stronger than i think i am. We checked in immediately. I can still walk, talk and was confident that I can do this.

The hospital room was big and it seem pretty quiet on a monday. I was relaxed. I remember changing into the hospital gown and watching Bachelor on TV. The doctor on call (Dr Hyde) came in to break my water bag. It was then when the contractions intensified. I practised my yoga breathing techniques (i think i sounded like a dog) and it did kind of help. However, I still asked for the epidural. I know i needed the strength and rest before the big push. I was shivering and feeling hungry (my last meal was 12.30pm!!).

The anesthesiologist came in promptly and i got the epidural. It was a HUGE relief. I got to 10cm dilated in about 3 hours. The doctor came to check on me and confirmed that it was time. I am scared. I prayed to God that it will be fast as I was so hungry – I am not sure if I can push for 2-3 hours.

At 10.30pm, we started pushing. I tried my best, listened to labor nurse’s cues. After about 2 huge pushes, she told me she see the baby’s head and she’s got hair. She wasted no time and called the doctor in. I know baby is coming! Dr Hyde came in within minutes and we started pushing with each contraction. He told me to reach down and touch my baby’s head. I hesitated as i found it disgusting but did it anyway. The feeling was amazing (silmy and bloody)! After about 2 more huge pushes, baby is out at 10.43pm! She let out a loud cry then proceeded to poop for the very first time! Phew! I was famished and thirsty. Glad it was over! Bing had the honor of cutting the umbilical cord.

I checked baby all over while doc is stitching me up. (2nd degree tear) I could see what he is doing on the reflection of his glasses but distracted myself and inspected my ‘product’ – Making sure baby have all 10 toes and fingers.

It was a tiring night but the start of a new adventure for us.

When things get hard, I will always remember the time when i reached down and touch her tiny, hairy, silmy head. God’s beautiful gift to us!

The nights are long but the days are short. How true….

Big changes in 2018

I took a last look at my favorite dress and stored it away… “Maybe I can fit into it again..”

I gave away some of my clothes as I do not think I can wear them anymore.

I teared when i see my new weight on the scale. How am I going to lose all this weight?

I cried quietly as I realised that I might be doing all my favorite things for the last time.

Things will never be the same again.

May 26, 2017 was the day I found out that I was pregnant. It was a few days before my flight to SG for a short vacation.
I had mixed feelings… and didn’t know what to expect. Bing was surprised too.. his reaction was “So fast???” and awkwardly gave me a hug.

My first instinct was my in-laws got their wish.. they must be so happy that i will be suffering and going through this pain alone. What if the baby is not perfect? What if there’s something wrong? What if they are upset about the gender? Me, as the mother, will be bearing all the responsibilities. Everybody will fault me. Well, I still feel this way.

I tried to hide my condition for as long as I can. I didn’t really want anyone to know… It’s weird when people congratulate me… Congratulate me for the future sleepless nights? for sore nipples? for having to deal with a fussy and whiny kid?

On the other hand, Bing is always busy. It’s just hard to get him to go to doctor’s appointments with me. He tries to come along but I feel that he’s 1/2 hearted. I still cook and do the groceries – he is too engrossed with his work to help. On most days, I felt that I am not getting the support and love I need. It’s like he couldn’t care less that it’s the last few months/weeks/days that it will be ‘us’.

The day is drawing near.. I am not looking forward and dreading the day… I know it’s gonna be difficult. I have all these worries about baby – its a whole lot of unknowns! In the states, we only have the ultrasound once. I had it twice because the first one was not clear. This makes me even more anxious :/ I can only pray that baby will be just fine and all my worries are unfounded.

So, how’s 2018 going to be for you? I know it will be challenging for me. Not only 2018 but the years ahead for me. Bing had been really busy with work.. sure, he said he will help.. but I know he will still let work take over his family life.

I guess getting pregnant was the BIGGEST thing in 2017 for me. I thought I will get a new job and jump start on a career in 2017 but it did not happen. I was miserable … now I don’t think it is going to happen anytime soon. In 2017, my joy came from Ringo, our sweet boy! He had a grand total for 3 dog trick titles this year! He is now an advanced trick dog!! Sadly, I am unsure if we can continue with this next year. He also recently developed an allergy on his right eye. We had been bringing him to the vet for the past few weeks and there’s not much improvements. I hope he will get better soon and be a healthy+happy dog in 2018 and years to come.

That’s all for now. Happy New Year!